i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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