Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I understand Curling. That high.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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