I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
