Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
