i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
