there's paper in my vomit.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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