i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
