people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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