im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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