I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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