so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
