R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
