so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
and she was petting her beer can
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
