i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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