you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
