i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
