I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
