i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
