dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Randomize
