I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
