She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she peed on how many people?
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when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
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my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just gargled with NyQuil
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize