A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
