I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
i out mim tonsoeep
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