i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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