I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
