Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
