Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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