you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
