Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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