my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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