The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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