Someone shit on the floor
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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