I think I won the penis lottery.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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