i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
