why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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