I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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