my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
