hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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