??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
