If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
