I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.