you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
