she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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