Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
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I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
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WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.