I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
