I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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