My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
