The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
time to smoke my breakfast
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
sex in a hospital.. check
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize