I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
