You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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