update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
