dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
