Having a random hookup so left but love u
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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