Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
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Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
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Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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