I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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