Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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