I'm jealous of your bromance
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
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Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
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You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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