the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
