About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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