Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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