I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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