proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
