the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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