I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Can I color on your dick again?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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