Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
